


Parted Lips

by AmazonDjinn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Cerberus Coup, F/M, ME3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmazonDjinn/pseuds/AmazonDjinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard and Kaidan have quite a history. Despite everything that's happening in the Reaper war, they manage to find themselves in each other's arms. But do they have a future?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parted Lips

**Author's Note:**

> This idea stemmed from me always wondering if FemShep would ever miss kissing after she gets together with Garrus. But it turned into something else entirely.

When Shepard last visited Kaidan on the Citadel several months ago, he’d told her about accepting Udina’s offer. She congratulated him, and at first there was an awkward dance of, "are we going to shake hands or are we going to hug?" But after some laughter, they had settled on a hug; which began innocently enough. 

Before long, she found herself turning her head so she could nestle in the crook of his neck; where she was finally able to discern the all-to-familiar scent of him over the antiseptic sterility of Huerta Memorial. One of his hands had traveled up her back so that his fingertips could toy with the tendrils of hair at the base of her skull, leaving room for his other hand to pull her closer. She gripped his shoulders more tightly as she caught hold of a memory that very nearly coerced a whimper from her tightly pursed lips. 

The embrace moved from copacetic to fraught with implications as they were pressed so closely to one another that she couldn't distinguish his heartbeat from her own. Old feelings came flooding back and it would have been easy to give in and slip into those habits: It would have been so easy to ignore the voice in the back of her mind that whispered Garrus’ name. Had the doctor not walked into the room, the situation may have turned out quite differently. 

But time, distance, and a few many more events had transpired since that embrace. Surviving Tuchanka, and most assuredly Mordin’s sacrifice, had really brought her and Garrus closer together. They had been taking things slowly since she found him on Menae, but somehow their relationship felt different now – stronger. Like they’d both been hit with the mortality of this Reaper war and had found a new sense of refuge in their quiet moments together. 

She had hoped this trip to the Citadel would give her and Kaidan the chance to wade through the ocean of emotions that lay between them in order put things right and move on; but instead she found herself pointing a gun at him in the middle of a Cerberus coup in order to make him see her point. Unfortunately, when C-Sec regained control, Kaidan was nowhere to be found – and she’d spent hours wandering the Presidium looking.

Physically achy and mentally drained, Shepard was certainly not prepared to see Kaidan when she made her way to the Normandy airlock. "Hey, I was wondering where you went," she said, trying to compose herself.

"Would you have done it? Pulled the trigger, I mean," he launched straight into his question.

"You know I wouldn't have," she replied, stepping further into the airlock.

"That's just it, Shepard," Kaidan began as he pushed himself off the railing to stand up straight. "I don't know the answer. I'd like to think that I meant something to you. Still mean something," he added quickly.

"That's not fair," she retorted, stepping close enough to place a reassuring hand on his upper arm. "Udina was a real son of a bitch, and he got what he deserved. Shooting him was the right move."

He took a step back and her hand fell to her side. "How can you be so sure?"

"Christ, Kaidan,” exhaustion had won as her visceral reaction slipped out. “What's it going to take for you to trust me again?”

“I…” he stammered, “I do, it’s just that…” he paused to gather his thoughts. The lines on his forehead began to deepen as he furrowed his brow. “I don’t know if I shot him because I believed you or if it was because I love you.”

In the midst of trying to digest what he’d just said, Shepard once again found herself in Kaidan’s arms and this time their lips were pressed together. The sensation was odd at first; she’d gotten used to Garrus’ mouth and his lack of soft, fleshy lips. It would be a lie, however, if she said she hadn’t missed this… 

As their kiss deepened with the weight of several complicated years and a growing sense of urgency, she began to feel herself letting her guard down. It took every ounce of will power she had left to push him away. “Kaidan,” she breathed his name heavily as she twisted out of his embrace. 

“Hackett offered me a posting, but I’d turn it down in a second if it meant I could rejoin you the Normandy,” he spoke quickly and hungrily, grabbing at her to pull her close again.

She nodded as she let him draw her in, but put both fists on his chest so she could stop his motion and look him in the eye. “You should take Hackett’s offer,” she practically whispered.

Kaidan took a step back, wide-eyed at what she’d just said.

“Look, you’re a hell of a soldier, Kaidan,” she dropped her arms from his chest and put a few steps distance between the two of them. “This war is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better. And if Hackett thinks you can better serve elsewhere, he’s probably right. I need to know that there are people out there fighting. I need to know that we are -- that I am -- doing everything possible to win this war.”

Kaidan shifted his weight and looked down at his feet. Shepard could tell she’d hurt his feelings, and she suddenly wondered if that’s what she looked like on Horizon two years ago. 

“So that’s it?” he asked. “That was a goodbye kiss?”

She spread her arms but caught herself before she made a grand exasperated gesture. There was a pregnant pause, then she shook her head and half-laughed, “There’s that infuriating tendency to almost always miss the point. And you know what’s crazy? Whether because of or in spite of, I’m not sure which, but there’s some part of me that will always care for you – maybe even love you, Kaidan.”

He opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off, “But I think I’m in love with Garrus,” she practically blurted. It was the first time she’d said it, out loud or otherwise. She took his stunned silence to gather her thoughts before she continued, “And I want the opportunity to explore that…” she trailed off and let the implied, ‘I can’t do that with you aboard,’ go unsaid.

And there they stood, on the edge of a chasm where regardless of the choice made, neither of them would ever be able to go back. As they teetered on the brink, Shepard stared at Kaidan; unable to put into words the long and short of their turbulent time together. 

After what felt like an eternity, Kaidan broke the deafening silence with a sigh. “I guess I missed a lot over the last two years,” he said, voice coated in disappointment.

*”Take care of yourself, Commander,” he said as he stepped closer and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “And kick some Reaper ass.”

She turned to watch him walk out of her life. For a fleeting moment, she wanted to reach out and stop him, but she knew they couldn’t be just friends. There was no feeling of relief nor was there any satisfaction in the way things played out. 

“Give ‘em hell, Kaidan,” she muttered after the doors closed shut behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> *This line of dialogue is pulled straight from the in-game email FemShep receives after she tells Kaidan he can't rejoin the Normandy crew.


End file.
